Okay, so I went MIA (again). I seem to be doing that alot lately. I have to be honest.....this has been the toughest and most emotionally draining school year to date (this is year number 7). When I am feeling upset and down I figure the last thing people want to read about is me boo-hooing. So instead, I retreat, and go missing for awhile.
Last night I went to my homeschool support group meeting. I head it up with 2 other ladies. I was very excited to hear a friend of mine, Pam, speak. Oh she was good. She has 5 daughters ranging in age from 10 to 26. She has been homeschooling for 17 years. She honestly is one of my favorite people to just talk to and listen to. There is so much wisdom in that head of hers. And what a servant's heart she has.
My plan last night for the meeting was to go and just listen. I didn't plan on saying very much, if anything at all (which is unusual for me). But Pam challenged us with a question "Why did you start homeschooling and why are you still doing it. Has the reasons changed". I thought is was just a question for each of us to ponder. Well next thing I know, everyone was going around saying their answer. It got to me. The first part of the question was easy. Why did I start. I knew that. But why am I continuing to homeschool. Well I lost it. The flood gates opened. Honestly, at this point I am homeschooling out of pure obedience to my husband and God. The flesh part of me felt done. I am tired and find no joy in it...AT ALL. The Mom part of me knows I would be dealing with a whole other set of problems if they were in PS. Then there is the part of me that wants to do it not because I have to but because I want to.
It just so hard right now. I feel like I am running a race and I am just not fast enough. Last year was my first year ever hsing with a infant/toddler. I slacked off on somethings in school. Long story short, I would say my younger kids are doing a level lower in their reading, spelling, math books than their "school grade". Now I am trying to play catch-up and basically going at a pace to catch them up by next year. I keep telling myself that if I could just go a little faster now, than once they catch up I will slow down then. But in the meantime, I am burning out and I lost all joy for homeschooling. The kids hardly do a craft project. We hardly ever read together. And fun kinds of activites just don't fit into my neat-little check off the box kind of thinking right now. And character issues or attitudes......they just get me angry because now I am really taken back. IT'S AWFUL!!! This is NOT the mom or homeschooler that I wanted to be.
The Ladies at the meeting were all so encouraging. But you know what...I am usually the one doing the encouraging and it is a much easier place to be in. I feel so unworthy right now. I feel the kids deserve so much better than what they got stuck with (me that is). The Ladies were telling me those were all lies from the creator of lies. It is easier right now to believe those lies because of the way I feel. I am in a valley right now and it is hard to believe that there will ever be at peak again.
If you have ever felt this way or have any advice I am open. Please keep me in your prayers right now. Thanks.