First off-- the cravings. My body literally has cravings for chocolate on a daily basis. It's an impulse to search out and find the chocolate. Once I find it and start eating it I can feel my body start to feel calmer.
Second--gaining weight/lower energy levels. I wasn't always overweight. My whole childhood I was a very small child. As an example...I didn't even hit 50 pounds until 5th grade--I remember being a size 6x then. In high school I averaged around 105 (until I got Mono). I think that is when the wrong thoughts started creeping into my mind. Believe it or not, I remember being 105 and thinking I was "fat" because my friends all weighed between 95-100 pounds. When I got Mono I gained weight from lack of activity and went up to 115-120. BTW---I had a very extreme case of Mono that lasted over two different school years. By then, I thought I was a moo-moo cow. It didn't help when I woman in church actually came up to me, pulled me out of service one Sunday and told me how she had been doing a weight-loss program and wanted to know if I wanted to go on it. Now I know I am not the jolly-green giant at 4'11" but did I look "that bad" at 115 to make people come up to me....at 17!!!
It is a fact (atleast for me) as I lose weight my energy level goes up. Just like, the more I fill my face with junk food throughout the day my energy...well I have very little.
Third--health. You know when you go to the doctors office and they have you check off all the little boxes for family history---most of mine are checked off. Both my parents have had cancer, open heart surgery (both BEFORE 60 years old), high BP and cholestrol, heart disease, PVD, angina, depression, and CHF. One parent has had a number of heart attacks and the other has diabetes. Needless to say....I AM SCARED!!! Already at 34 I have high cholesterol. I was getting depression during the winters which hasn't been too bad the last 2 winters (I do have some very down days here and there). I do have fibromyalgia. This is a widespread pain disorder. Basically, my body is in hyper drive when it comes to touch (I don't even wear makeup because it feels very heavy on my face). If I sit too long then I look like an old lady when I get up. All my muscles get stiff and it takes a bit for them to warm back up. Eating right and exercising both help with management of it.
Fourth--friends/family. With all of the above it can start affecting relationships. Being too tired to go and run around with the kids, not feeling comfortable about what size you are to go shopping with friends, not feeling attractive to your spouse (even when he tells you you are just as beautiful as the day you got married). These are real emotions.
Lastly--God. The bible calls our body our temple and I am destroying it. It might not be as dramatic as taking drugs. But nevertheless, I am slowly killing my body. It WILL eventually catch up with me. Self-control--I am not exhibiting it when I am over-indulging. I am also not being an example to my children.
So what is a girl to do. I already established that I can't go without eating. I know I can't wish it all away. I CAN learn how to eat right....6-8 glasses of water, fruits and veggies, calcium (to keep my bones strong), and portion control. I CAN get up and start exercising. I also need some direction and accountability (someone else telling me the number on the scale). To do this I decided to do a weight loss program that is #1 doctor recommended and teaches you how to survive in the "real world". I am talking about Weight Watchers. I know first hand that it works because I have done it in the past and have had success. I also have a friend that lost about 95 pounds on it and kept it off for a few years now. I have taken the first step. Tonight, before I wrote this blog entry, I went and signed up on-line. Tomorrow morning I start. Wednesday will be my first meeting.
I have to tell you one more thing though. I am scared. I am afraid of failing. I can't even imagine what I would look like with 44 pounds off of me. That is just way too far away for me to comprehend. But like any other addict, I need to just deal with one day at a time. Anything else is too overwhelming right now.
Wish me luck......no better yet....please pray for me. My number one goal is to glorify God and number two is get healthy.